Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
By Gregory Keck, Regina M. Kupecky & L.G. Mansfield
304 Pages
This book is actually a second book written by these authors, and although I will go back and read the first for information (the topic is attachment), the reason I chose to read this one first was that I wanted the practical, every day information to help me help children affected by trauma of any kind. I was looking for the nitty-gritty do’s and don’ts and why’s and how-to’s that experienced individuals could offer me. Enough therapists and theories and science for now. (I’ve read so much of that lately!) I wanted to read from a Mama and Papa that loves their children, whether they are a part of their lives for one day or for every day coming to them as a family. These authors are therapists and despite that, they come across as loving and concerned, well-researched and experienced.
This book is sectioned by well-defined chapters and if that isn’t helpful enough, they have an index in the back by category should you need to reference their wisdom later for specific issues. The book is easy to read with no need to have a dictionary on hand to place clinical terms into lay-mans terms. Although I am not un-educated, I really appreciate the “we’re in the trenches with you” feeling that comes across while reading. With a quiet space and a cup of coffee, you get the feeling you’re speaking with an experienced friend who is willing to invest their knowledge in you.
The information found and received was very helpful to me and I find myself still thinking on it and mulling it over, even a week after reading. They had no easy answers for anything, as working with hurt children is simply not easy, but they offered encouragement and words of wisdom that spoke of the children being worth any and all efforts given. I love that they make it clear that it’s “normal” that your family is no longer “normal”. Having traumatized children in your home makes your family different and those that have not worn these shoes will simply not understand, and that’s ok. Parenting traumatized children is simply not the same as parenting your child from birth who has fully bonded and always been secure. The difference is like night and day, and I really appreciate the insight that is offered alongside some examples of mistakes as well as successes.
I’ve come away from this book with a lot of really good pictures of what is really going on inside the head of someone doing/saying something that doesn’t make sense to me. This was important to me, as I can’t count how many times I held a screaming/raging 4 year old and simply cried in my heart, “what makes you, you?” or simply feeling at a loss for not understanding, but desperately wanting to. I simply want to understand so that I may be more effective in caring for the little friends that come through our house.
Four year olds cannot put into words what these adults have written, but I’m so grateful for the peek inside the ‘workings of a hurt mind’ to see what is going on. I loved the encouragement to keep trying, to keep pushing through, to keep on keeping on. These children are worth it, and with the practical advice given, I feel better prepared to help these little people. That, is very useful.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Book Review
I know, I know. It's been a reeeeeeally long time since I last posted and although I have a pocketful of reasons to offer, I shall keep them to myself. All you need to know is that we as a family are in a hard season, and myself as an individual am in a hard season on many fronts. God is faithful and the valley is important to experience to fully appreciate the mountaintop.
Today I have to offer two opinions on foster care and adoption books that I read to gain not only more knowledge, but hours of increased learning and training for our license upkeep. Just in case you are a foster parent and are reading, here you go.
When a Stranger Calls You Mom
By Katharine Leslie, PhD
235 pages
I’ve been chewing on the material I read in this book for a while now, and I’m fairly certain I’ve reached an opinion on this book, although I reserve my right to change my mind as this book left me re-evaluating and/or confirming some personal viewpoints. Although I wouldn’t say that I’d not recommend this book to other foster and/or adoptive parents I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say I would recommend this book. I’m left on the fence. It has challenged me to think and consider my views which is a great goal of any piece of writing, but it also has various downsides, to which I will share in a moment. Overall, I guess I’d leave it as an option to read for dedicated, experienced foster parents but I would not go out of my way to address it as a resource. I think offering this book up front to brand new ‘recruits’ would scare them away. Honestly, if you’d suggest I read this before ever actually experiencing foster care myself, I’d have picked up my feet and run the other way. Seriously.
On the positive side for Ms. Leslie, she has multifaceted experience to offer. She lauds herself as a “Social Services Consultant, Professional Trainer, Parenting Coach, and a Mother of 4 adopted Children”. She also has a PhD in psychology and child development so she really knows what she’s talking about.
In her writing she offers some examples of what she’s talking about and that is helpful. She draws from experience as well as science for her reasoning and viewpoints. She expresses herself clearly and has a very good understanding and handle on what is really going on. She has a very good ideal as to how foster care should operate. About 75% through the book she offers some really good advice that can be incorporated into a family that is working with a troubled child.
As to the points that I did not like in this collection, my first and foremost criticism would be her constant use of technical terms. She just can’t let them go. Really. She used a ridiculous amount of very large words and plenty of scientific terms to make sure the reader is hung up on trying to understand her and follow what she’s saying instead of simply assimilating the information offered. Her target readership is foster parents. Surely she should know time isn’t a cheap commodity among that group, so she shouldn’t waste it! I’m sure this wasn’t intentional on her part, but it makes for a frustrating read. Fortunately for me I have come across many of those words before in prior reading and research I’ve done so I did not need to spend copious amounts of time looking up the meanings, this go around. I’m sure this is a pet peeve of mine, but annoying none the less!
Secondly, she spends the first 40% of the book going over terms and definitions and groupings and development timelines and yada, yada, yada. None of that information was enough to give a good feel for the subject as each of her headings could be a book of information unto themselves. In fact, they are. My opinion is that she should have taken an assumption that those reading the book understood the basics, or had been extremely brief in reviewing the information. She used just enough information to drive me crazy trying to read it, but not enough to be in depth. Again, lucky for me, I’ve read several of her topics in other books by other people. I really put this book down over and over again because I struggled to get through her information. The book is dull and overly sober.
When all is said and done, although she has adopted four children with extensive backgrounds from foster care, the overall feeling left me when I was done with the book was a sense of anxiety and a feeling of “why bother?”. I’m definitely sure this was not intentional on her part as she does state she is dedicated to her adopted children and loves them very much. She does, however, state in clear and terrifying terms just how much people can mess up their kids and the socio-paths they can become because of it despite the attempts of adoptive and/or foster parents to intervene. She states several times that love is simply not enough and it is unnecessary to mention it just so many times.
This book gets one thumb up, one thumb down from me. The scant few pages of practical advice that is given is a gem; the overall depressing attitude is unwarranted.
Today I have to offer two opinions on foster care and adoption books that I read to gain not only more knowledge, but hours of increased learning and training for our license upkeep. Just in case you are a foster parent and are reading, here you go.
When a Stranger Calls You Mom
By Katharine Leslie, PhD
235 pages
I’ve been chewing on the material I read in this book for a while now, and I’m fairly certain I’ve reached an opinion on this book, although I reserve my right to change my mind as this book left me re-evaluating and/or confirming some personal viewpoints. Although I wouldn’t say that I’d not recommend this book to other foster and/or adoptive parents I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say I would recommend this book. I’m left on the fence. It has challenged me to think and consider my views which is a great goal of any piece of writing, but it also has various downsides, to which I will share in a moment. Overall, I guess I’d leave it as an option to read for dedicated, experienced foster parents but I would not go out of my way to address it as a resource. I think offering this book up front to brand new ‘recruits’ would scare them away. Honestly, if you’d suggest I read this before ever actually experiencing foster care myself, I’d have picked up my feet and run the other way. Seriously.
On the positive side for Ms. Leslie, she has multifaceted experience to offer. She lauds herself as a “Social Services Consultant, Professional Trainer, Parenting Coach, and a Mother of 4 adopted Children”. She also has a PhD in psychology and child development so she really knows what she’s talking about.
In her writing she offers some examples of what she’s talking about and that is helpful. She draws from experience as well as science for her reasoning and viewpoints. She expresses herself clearly and has a very good understanding and handle on what is really going on. She has a very good ideal as to how foster care should operate. About 75% through the book she offers some really good advice that can be incorporated into a family that is working with a troubled child.
As to the points that I did not like in this collection, my first and foremost criticism would be her constant use of technical terms. She just can’t let them go. Really. She used a ridiculous amount of very large words and plenty of scientific terms to make sure the reader is hung up on trying to understand her and follow what she’s saying instead of simply assimilating the information offered. Her target readership is foster parents. Surely she should know time isn’t a cheap commodity among that group, so she shouldn’t waste it! I’m sure this wasn’t intentional on her part, but it makes for a frustrating read. Fortunately for me I have come across many of those words before in prior reading and research I’ve done so I did not need to spend copious amounts of time looking up the meanings, this go around. I’m sure this is a pet peeve of mine, but annoying none the less!
Secondly, she spends the first 40% of the book going over terms and definitions and groupings and development timelines and yada, yada, yada. None of that information was enough to give a good feel for the subject as each of her headings could be a book of information unto themselves. In fact, they are. My opinion is that she should have taken an assumption that those reading the book understood the basics, or had been extremely brief in reviewing the information. She used just enough information to drive me crazy trying to read it, but not enough to be in depth. Again, lucky for me, I’ve read several of her topics in other books by other people. I really put this book down over and over again because I struggled to get through her information. The book is dull and overly sober.
When all is said and done, although she has adopted four children with extensive backgrounds from foster care, the overall feeling left me when I was done with the book was a sense of anxiety and a feeling of “why bother?”. I’m definitely sure this was not intentional on her part as she does state she is dedicated to her adopted children and loves them very much. She does, however, state in clear and terrifying terms just how much people can mess up their kids and the socio-paths they can become because of it despite the attempts of adoptive and/or foster parents to intervene. She states several times that love is simply not enough and it is unnecessary to mention it just so many times.
This book gets one thumb up, one thumb down from me. The scant few pages of practical advice that is given is a gem; the overall depressing attitude is unwarranted.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Victory is sweet, indeed!
I've done the snoopy dance a few times this morning. My heart is light and my joy is abundant. I have a secret I will share later with you. But for now, what makes me stop stirring my hot tea and start giggling? What makes me smile like a Cheshire cat while readying my youngest for his nap?
Let me tell you. My youngest. Yes, you know him as my poop-flinger. You know, he defies...*gasp* duct tape!! Inconceivable, I know. Among wise ideas that were shared with me was this product that is a wearable sleeping bag/sack for kids to stay warm. I'm sure it was created for kids that kick off their blankets, but it will help with my unique purpose too. It can be found online at target, just search for Halo sleep sack. Then you'll know what I'm talking about. Who thinks these things up? Mothers are the inventors of necessities, aren't they?
Anyway, I'm waiting for mine to arrive in the mail. While speaking with my husband last night about this, I was sharing the praises of this wonderful product and why it'll help. He looks unimpressed and asks why don't we just cut the feet off of a pair of pajamas and put it on him backwards?
*crickets chirping*
I stare at him blankly thinking surely he's daft and didn't hear me correctly and therefore simply didn't understand he should be as excited as I am. I informed him he should be excited and he does his worst to feign his joy over this. Where is a gal to find proper enthusiasm when she needs it?
Then I thought about what he'd said. I do have a pair of footie pajamas that are too big for him that I could cut the feet off of. Hmm. One sleep sack isn't going to be enough anyway, so this could work well with the other solution. The more I thought on it, the more excited I was becoming. I was smiling when cutting the feet off the pajamas last night. I would have laughed but the room was full of people and hiding your insanity is the best approach, always. I placed the newly sheared pajamas on him backwards, and felt bubbles of laughter rise as I zippered up the back. Best to wait and see before getting all ahead of myself, right?
I eagerly entered his room this morning and found this child woke up dry and.....dressed!! Fully dressed! BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah. Uh huh. Who's the Mama? Oh yeah! Dance with me. You know you want to.
Ok, ok. I know that being consumed with thoughts of ending world hunger or some other lofty purpose could have said I was a better person. I apologize. Perhaps it's the constant cleaning of feces that drove me off the cliff on this subject. Or, perhaps it's knowing that although I needed some help, I've still outsmarted him.
Or maybe, knowing you have a deviously smart child to raise, you have to take what victories you can get and not be picky about them. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
I'll take it!! I do have to admit I smiled while placing the cut footie pj's over his clothes (zipper in the back!) and then laying him down for a nap today. I smiled and I sang some prideful song about besting him. He smiled and danced in my arms. Think that'll happen when he's 15?
I don't think so either, but what thought lingers in my mind is that someday he will present me with a challenge that I will have to invent a product for to solve and then I'll sell it and make millions. Yep. Love that kid.
Let me tell you. My youngest. Yes, you know him as my poop-flinger. You know, he defies...*gasp* duct tape!! Inconceivable, I know. Among wise ideas that were shared with me was this product that is a wearable sleeping bag/sack for kids to stay warm. I'm sure it was created for kids that kick off their blankets, but it will help with my unique purpose too. It can be found online at target, just search for Halo sleep sack. Then you'll know what I'm talking about. Who thinks these things up? Mothers are the inventors of necessities, aren't they?
Anyway, I'm waiting for mine to arrive in the mail. While speaking with my husband last night about this, I was sharing the praises of this wonderful product and why it'll help. He looks unimpressed and asks why don't we just cut the feet off of a pair of pajamas and put it on him backwards?
*crickets chirping*
I stare at him blankly thinking surely he's daft and didn't hear me correctly and therefore simply didn't understand he should be as excited as I am. I informed him he should be excited and he does his worst to feign his joy over this. Where is a gal to find proper enthusiasm when she needs it?
Then I thought about what he'd said. I do have a pair of footie pajamas that are too big for him that I could cut the feet off of. Hmm. One sleep sack isn't going to be enough anyway, so this could work well with the other solution. The more I thought on it, the more excited I was becoming. I was smiling when cutting the feet off the pajamas last night. I would have laughed but the room was full of people and hiding your insanity is the best approach, always. I placed the newly sheared pajamas on him backwards, and felt bubbles of laughter rise as I zippered up the back. Best to wait and see before getting all ahead of myself, right?
I eagerly entered his room this morning and found this child woke up dry and.....dressed!! Fully dressed! BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah. Uh huh. Who's the Mama? Oh yeah! Dance with me. You know you want to.
Ok, ok. I know that being consumed with thoughts of ending world hunger or some other lofty purpose could have said I was a better person. I apologize. Perhaps it's the constant cleaning of feces that drove me off the cliff on this subject. Or, perhaps it's knowing that although I needed some help, I've still outsmarted him.
Or maybe, knowing you have a deviously smart child to raise, you have to take what victories you can get and not be picky about them. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
I'll take it!! I do have to admit I smiled while placing the cut footie pj's over his clothes (zipper in the back!) and then laying him down for a nap today. I smiled and I sang some prideful song about besting him. He smiled and danced in my arms. Think that'll happen when he's 15?
I don't think so either, but what thought lingers in my mind is that someday he will present me with a challenge that I will have to invent a product for to solve and then I'll sell it and make millions. Yep. Love that kid.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wisdom
I have this little guy. He is precious beyond belief and is very, very smart. Savant smart. And patient. Saintly patient. So when he goes about doing things he is very steady and persistent. I've honestly never seen anything like it. Regular discouragements don't work on him. He's just too happy to care. Seriously.
Ok, let me back up. So he's two. And adorable. He likes to chew on things and he likes to play his guitar and his drum. He also loves to sing and watch his Wiggles. What is his passion you ask? Let me tell you! Stripping. Yes. You read that right. The child loves to be in the buff. And the more 'discouragement' you place in front of that thrill, the better the sense of accomplishment when it's achieved. Did I mention he was a happy child?
I've tried placing him in the corner. He declared it was his and fought with any other child that would dare come near it. Oh.. and he'd lick the wall. Repeatedly. Um...ew?! I'd have him sit in time out near the table, but he'd play and flirt with anyone around and if you ignore him, he'd sit quiet and contrite and when released, he'd leave with an ear to ear grin and move along as if nothing happened. Then he'd go ahead and do it again. *sigh*
Naptime and bedtime have become his offending time frames. He will happily work at undressing with all the time in the world while I am in the other room falsely relaxing in the quiet I hear.
Let's see. What have I tried? I have placed duct tape on the tabs of the diaper. He learned that the sides are weak and you can rip them. I purchased jeans for him that have adjustable tabs and I make them as tight as possible. This worked for about a month until he figured out how to undo snaps. I have placed duct tape around his entire waist to avoid weak points in the diaper. Know what he did? He spent a ridiculous amount of time patiently peeling layer after layer off the diaper using the leg opening as the starting point. When I went to get him, he was wearing only a sliver duct tape belt and nothing else.
I moved on to overalls. He can't undo the tags at the shoulders, but he can undo the snaps at the sides and pull the diaper out. One afternoon I went to get him from a nap and found him dressed, but his diaper on the floor. As I stared at him in awe and asked him how in the world he did that, he answered in the latest blurb my older children had taught him. "Ta da!!!".
Normally I laugh. I did on the "ta da!" day. I have a good, healthy sense of humor. You have to in order to live here and clean up his poop he flings all over his room every day. In fact, this particular cherub keeps me laughing on most days. But I was feeling defeated yesterday (and tired of cleaning) and in need of reinforcement and encouragement. It's just plain humbling when your two year old outsmarts you.
So I asked some friends if they had any new ideas I could try. Along with some suggestions (yeah!) I was also given some great encouragement. James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." Then she reminded me that my precious, precocious gift was made just the way the Lord intended him to be and since I was chosen to raise him, all I had to do was ask His Creator what should be done. Not only isn't it a wonderful benefit to be able to ask a Perfect Father what to do, but also that you can ask without any fear of rebuke. I really love the "gives generously to all without finding fault" part of that scripture.
As long as I stay in touch with the One with the answers, I can stay a step ahead of my little Whirlwind. That's reassuring news.
Ok, let me back up. So he's two. And adorable. He likes to chew on things and he likes to play his guitar and his drum. He also loves to sing and watch his Wiggles. What is his passion you ask? Let me tell you! Stripping. Yes. You read that right. The child loves to be in the buff. And the more 'discouragement' you place in front of that thrill, the better the sense of accomplishment when it's achieved. Did I mention he was a happy child?
I've tried placing him in the corner. He declared it was his and fought with any other child that would dare come near it. Oh.. and he'd lick the wall. Repeatedly. Um...ew?! I'd have him sit in time out near the table, but he'd play and flirt with anyone around and if you ignore him, he'd sit quiet and contrite and when released, he'd leave with an ear to ear grin and move along as if nothing happened. Then he'd go ahead and do it again. *sigh*
Naptime and bedtime have become his offending time frames. He will happily work at undressing with all the time in the world while I am in the other room falsely relaxing in the quiet I hear.
Let's see. What have I tried? I have placed duct tape on the tabs of the diaper. He learned that the sides are weak and you can rip them. I purchased jeans for him that have adjustable tabs and I make them as tight as possible. This worked for about a month until he figured out how to undo snaps. I have placed duct tape around his entire waist to avoid weak points in the diaper. Know what he did? He spent a ridiculous amount of time patiently peeling layer after layer off the diaper using the leg opening as the starting point. When I went to get him, he was wearing only a sliver duct tape belt and nothing else.
I moved on to overalls. He can't undo the tags at the shoulders, but he can undo the snaps at the sides and pull the diaper out. One afternoon I went to get him from a nap and found him dressed, but his diaper on the floor. As I stared at him in awe and asked him how in the world he did that, he answered in the latest blurb my older children had taught him. "Ta da!!!".
Normally I laugh. I did on the "ta da!" day. I have a good, healthy sense of humor. You have to in order to live here and clean up his poop he flings all over his room every day. In fact, this particular cherub keeps me laughing on most days. But I was feeling defeated yesterday (and tired of cleaning) and in need of reinforcement and encouragement. It's just plain humbling when your two year old outsmarts you.
So I asked some friends if they had any new ideas I could try. Along with some suggestions (yeah!) I was also given some great encouragement. James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." Then she reminded me that my precious, precocious gift was made just the way the Lord intended him to be and since I was chosen to raise him, all I had to do was ask His Creator what should be done. Not only isn't it a wonderful benefit to be able to ask a Perfect Father what to do, but also that you can ask without any fear of rebuke. I really love the "gives generously to all without finding fault" part of that scripture.
As long as I stay in touch with the One with the answers, I can stay a step ahead of my little Whirlwind. That's reassuring news.
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