The Bad Horse... giddy up!

Here is where I tell you that my husband has been traveling a lot and my youngest son loves to ask questions. We explain thoroughly that Daddy is going on an airplane, and then he'll be home. Each and every day, consistently, he would ask where Daddy was, and if he was on an airplane. Then when I'd say, yes, Daddy's on an airplane right now, or will be tonight, my little Hero would run around with his toy airplane making whooshing airplane noises and pretending to fly.

This is where I'll backup and mention that my little guy has a Hero's heart and wants to fly, especially like Superman! He thought if he had the right cape on, he could actually achieve flight so for his safety and my sanity, we had to have a very real conversation on why he can't fly.

Me: Honey, you cannot fly with your cape. You cannot jump out the window or down the stairs, your cape will not hold you.

Jacoby: I fly!

Me: Um, no honey. Hey! Do you have wings?

Jacoby, after spinning in a circle to try and see if there were wings on his back, agreed that he didn't have any. He told me rather shocked, "They're gone!" because clearly wings either fall off or they are stolen. Think he remembers being in heaven before he came to Earth to be mine?

Me: Yes, your wings are gone, Sweetie, so you can't fly here. Just jumping.

My little warrior is clearly a Commando Man and is in the business of knowing what he knows and clearly it's Superman's cape that does the work. Mommy said he couldn't fly, but that meant nothing of the cat that sat so naively in the shopping cart of his. After sending the cat (and cart) down the stairs, he happily announced that Ty was "really, really FAST!".  Please know the pet was uninjured and we did discuss using other's lives as our experiments.

While my little hero's Daddy was away, he'd pretend and play with his toy airplane and helicopter each and every day. While adding that into his play, he has become enamored with cowboys lately. He tells me cowboys have guns, they have lassos, they rescue and they have bad horses. Bad horses?! Yep. Cowboys get the bad horses.

One bright morning Jacoby comes into my room and says his customary "Good morning" and then follows into a long one sided discussion about going somewhere that day and how Dad was going to have to take the purple car, he would ride the airplane himself, and I'd get the bad horse and we'll all meet up. I would have thought nothing further about this, but in another discussion Jacoby assigned me the bad horse again. When I questioned him as to why I didn't get to fly the airplane or drive the purple car, he said in no uncertain terms that I get the bad horse. This was definitive for him.

I guess my little guy things I'm a cowgirl. I have a lasso, a gun, and I ride to the rescue on my bad horse.

I guess a girl could do a lot worse, right?

'Stuff' Cleaning

I am working on cleaning out an entire room in the house. That means closets and any other hiding place to keep stuff. You know, stuff that you don't know where to put but feel you need to keep. Stuff that you feel obligated to keep but have no where to place. Stuff you think you like, but not enough to display and give a place of honor to. Stuff that's tied to a past and holds a memory and you fear losing that time and memory so you keep that stuff too. Oh, and let's not forget the stuff that you stash in your hiding places because you simply don't want to deal with it right now and it's easier to say 'later' knowing full well you'd rather just not go there at all, ever. Out of sight, out of mind. Right?

You know, my closet seems to resemble a bit of my heart. Stuff I hold onto because I'm not sure where to put it or what to do with it and I'm too afraid to just throw it away. Stuff I feel I should have in my heart for various reasons, stuff I think I need to keep, but not enough to make it a part of my every day living. As if not displaying it would keep that stuff from not spilling over into my life, right? And of course, stuff that I hide in the corner of my heart under a shelf because not only do I not want to deal with it, but I'm not confident I know how to.

While I cleaned out every hiding place in the room for stuff, I found the Lord cleaning out some of my heart too. Remember those half written-in notebooks I spoke about earlier in my blog? Yeah, I found one. Well, I found many but one spoke to my heart immensely. One the Lord clearly had me write down so that I could find it now. A note the Lord wrote through me, to me. How loving is that? I praise Him that He never changes and we can count on that. I need to count on that.

The entry is dated December 12, 2008. The specifics don't matter, but I was in deep grief over a very hurtful loss in my life. Here is the entry:

  ....I've just returned K* to her mom. I felt peaceful and got to hand her over myself. It was remarkably rewarding. Although the very nature of the ministry of foster care is continual loss, God sustains. He gives peace and comfort where it is needed.
 
       You are all I need.
       You sustain me.
       You comfort me.
       You give hope.
       You give life to dreams.
       You ignite desires and teach me to pursue them.
       You show the path of holiness.
       You desire my best and the best for me.
       My obedience You refine.
       My eyesight you make clear.
       My surrender You make all.
       You are all I need.

   ....My heart hurts, Lord. Comfort my heart...

Remembering this, reading this, was encouraging to me. I needed to hear it. I needed to hear, once again, that although I have moments when I feel I am made of fragile porcelain and my heart is smashed into pieces, it's ok. It's a reminder that this world is not our home. We will never find fulfillment here. We live in a fallen world and horrible things happen. But God loves us, and He rescues and comforts those that belong to Him and are called His. He is the focus of all things and I needed to remember that.

Hurts come and hurts go. Happiness comes and happiness goes. I remain and I survive and I get through because I rely on the Lord to keep me and at times, carry me. I can get through anything and I will never do it alone. Never alone.

God is good.

All the time.