Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
By Gregory Keck, Regina M. Kupecky & L.G. Mansfield
304 Pages
This book is actually a second book written by these authors, and although I will go back and read the first for information (the topic is attachment), the reason I chose to read this one first was that I wanted the practical, every day information to help me help children affected by trauma of any kind. I was looking for the nitty-gritty do’s and don’ts and why’s and how-to’s that experienced individuals could offer me. Enough therapists and theories and science for now. (I’ve read so much of that lately!) I wanted to read from a Mama and Papa that loves their children, whether they are a part of their lives for one day or for every day coming to them as a family. These authors are therapists and despite that, they come across as loving and concerned, well-researched and experienced.
This book is sectioned by well-defined chapters and if that isn’t helpful enough, they have an index in the back by category should you need to reference their wisdom later for specific issues. The book is easy to read with no need to have a dictionary on hand to place clinical terms into lay-mans terms. Although I am not un-educated, I really appreciate the “we’re in the trenches with you” feeling that comes across while reading. With a quiet space and a cup of coffee, you get the feeling you’re speaking with an experienced friend who is willing to invest their knowledge in you.
The information found and received was very helpful to me and I find myself still thinking on it and mulling it over, even a week after reading. They had no easy answers for anything, as working with hurt children is simply not easy, but they offered encouragement and words of wisdom that spoke of the children being worth any and all efforts given. I love that they make it clear that it’s “normal” that your family is no longer “normal”. Having traumatized children in your home makes your family different and those that have not worn these shoes will simply not understand, and that’s ok. Parenting traumatized children is simply not the same as parenting your child from birth who has fully bonded and always been secure. The difference is like night and day, and I really appreciate the insight that is offered alongside some examples of mistakes as well as successes.
I’ve come away from this book with a lot of really good pictures of what is really going on inside the head of someone doing/saying something that doesn’t make sense to me. This was important to me, as I can’t count how many times I held a screaming/raging 4 year old and simply cried in my heart, “what makes you, you?” or simply feeling at a loss for not understanding, but desperately wanting to. I simply want to understand so that I may be more effective in caring for the little friends that come through our house.
Four year olds cannot put into words what these adults have written, but I’m so grateful for the peek inside the ‘workings of a hurt mind’ to see what is going on. I loved the encouragement to keep trying, to keep pushing through, to keep on keeping on. These children are worth it, and with the practical advice given, I feel better prepared to help these little people. That, is very useful.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Book Review
I know, I know. It's been a reeeeeeally long time since I last posted and although I have a pocketful of reasons to offer, I shall keep them to myself. All you need to know is that we as a family are in a hard season, and myself as an individual am in a hard season on many fronts. God is faithful and the valley is important to experience to fully appreciate the mountaintop.
Today I have to offer two opinions on foster care and adoption books that I read to gain not only more knowledge, but hours of increased learning and training for our license upkeep. Just in case you are a foster parent and are reading, here you go.
When a Stranger Calls You Mom
By Katharine Leslie, PhD
235 pages
I’ve been chewing on the material I read in this book for a while now, and I’m fairly certain I’ve reached an opinion on this book, although I reserve my right to change my mind as this book left me re-evaluating and/or confirming some personal viewpoints. Although I wouldn’t say that I’d not recommend this book to other foster and/or adoptive parents I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say I would recommend this book. I’m left on the fence. It has challenged me to think and consider my views which is a great goal of any piece of writing, but it also has various downsides, to which I will share in a moment. Overall, I guess I’d leave it as an option to read for dedicated, experienced foster parents but I would not go out of my way to address it as a resource. I think offering this book up front to brand new ‘recruits’ would scare them away. Honestly, if you’d suggest I read this before ever actually experiencing foster care myself, I’d have picked up my feet and run the other way. Seriously.
On the positive side for Ms. Leslie, she has multifaceted experience to offer. She lauds herself as a “Social Services Consultant, Professional Trainer, Parenting Coach, and a Mother of 4 adopted Children”. She also has a PhD in psychology and child development so she really knows what she’s talking about.
In her writing she offers some examples of what she’s talking about and that is helpful. She draws from experience as well as science for her reasoning and viewpoints. She expresses herself clearly and has a very good understanding and handle on what is really going on. She has a very good ideal as to how foster care should operate. About 75% through the book she offers some really good advice that can be incorporated into a family that is working with a troubled child.
As to the points that I did not like in this collection, my first and foremost criticism would be her constant use of technical terms. She just can’t let them go. Really. She used a ridiculous amount of very large words and plenty of scientific terms to make sure the reader is hung up on trying to understand her and follow what she’s saying instead of simply assimilating the information offered. Her target readership is foster parents. Surely she should know time isn’t a cheap commodity among that group, so she shouldn’t waste it! I’m sure this wasn’t intentional on her part, but it makes for a frustrating read. Fortunately for me I have come across many of those words before in prior reading and research I’ve done so I did not need to spend copious amounts of time looking up the meanings, this go around. I’m sure this is a pet peeve of mine, but annoying none the less!
Secondly, she spends the first 40% of the book going over terms and definitions and groupings and development timelines and yada, yada, yada. None of that information was enough to give a good feel for the subject as each of her headings could be a book of information unto themselves. In fact, they are. My opinion is that she should have taken an assumption that those reading the book understood the basics, or had been extremely brief in reviewing the information. She used just enough information to drive me crazy trying to read it, but not enough to be in depth. Again, lucky for me, I’ve read several of her topics in other books by other people. I really put this book down over and over again because I struggled to get through her information. The book is dull and overly sober.
When all is said and done, although she has adopted four children with extensive backgrounds from foster care, the overall feeling left me when I was done with the book was a sense of anxiety and a feeling of “why bother?”. I’m definitely sure this was not intentional on her part as she does state she is dedicated to her adopted children and loves them very much. She does, however, state in clear and terrifying terms just how much people can mess up their kids and the socio-paths they can become because of it despite the attempts of adoptive and/or foster parents to intervene. She states several times that love is simply not enough and it is unnecessary to mention it just so many times.
This book gets one thumb up, one thumb down from me. The scant few pages of practical advice that is given is a gem; the overall depressing attitude is unwarranted.
Today I have to offer two opinions on foster care and adoption books that I read to gain not only more knowledge, but hours of increased learning and training for our license upkeep. Just in case you are a foster parent and are reading, here you go.
When a Stranger Calls You Mom
By Katharine Leslie, PhD
235 pages
I’ve been chewing on the material I read in this book for a while now, and I’m fairly certain I’ve reached an opinion on this book, although I reserve my right to change my mind as this book left me re-evaluating and/or confirming some personal viewpoints. Although I wouldn’t say that I’d not recommend this book to other foster and/or adoptive parents I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say I would recommend this book. I’m left on the fence. It has challenged me to think and consider my views which is a great goal of any piece of writing, but it also has various downsides, to which I will share in a moment. Overall, I guess I’d leave it as an option to read for dedicated, experienced foster parents but I would not go out of my way to address it as a resource. I think offering this book up front to brand new ‘recruits’ would scare them away. Honestly, if you’d suggest I read this before ever actually experiencing foster care myself, I’d have picked up my feet and run the other way. Seriously.
On the positive side for Ms. Leslie, she has multifaceted experience to offer. She lauds herself as a “Social Services Consultant, Professional Trainer, Parenting Coach, and a Mother of 4 adopted Children”. She also has a PhD in psychology and child development so she really knows what she’s talking about.
In her writing she offers some examples of what she’s talking about and that is helpful. She draws from experience as well as science for her reasoning and viewpoints. She expresses herself clearly and has a very good understanding and handle on what is really going on. She has a very good ideal as to how foster care should operate. About 75% through the book she offers some really good advice that can be incorporated into a family that is working with a troubled child.
As to the points that I did not like in this collection, my first and foremost criticism would be her constant use of technical terms. She just can’t let them go. Really. She used a ridiculous amount of very large words and plenty of scientific terms to make sure the reader is hung up on trying to understand her and follow what she’s saying instead of simply assimilating the information offered. Her target readership is foster parents. Surely she should know time isn’t a cheap commodity among that group, so she shouldn’t waste it! I’m sure this wasn’t intentional on her part, but it makes for a frustrating read. Fortunately for me I have come across many of those words before in prior reading and research I’ve done so I did not need to spend copious amounts of time looking up the meanings, this go around. I’m sure this is a pet peeve of mine, but annoying none the less!
Secondly, she spends the first 40% of the book going over terms and definitions and groupings and development timelines and yada, yada, yada. None of that information was enough to give a good feel for the subject as each of her headings could be a book of information unto themselves. In fact, they are. My opinion is that she should have taken an assumption that those reading the book understood the basics, or had been extremely brief in reviewing the information. She used just enough information to drive me crazy trying to read it, but not enough to be in depth. Again, lucky for me, I’ve read several of her topics in other books by other people. I really put this book down over and over again because I struggled to get through her information. The book is dull and overly sober.
When all is said and done, although she has adopted four children with extensive backgrounds from foster care, the overall feeling left me when I was done with the book was a sense of anxiety and a feeling of “why bother?”. I’m definitely sure this was not intentional on her part as she does state she is dedicated to her adopted children and loves them very much. She does, however, state in clear and terrifying terms just how much people can mess up their kids and the socio-paths they can become because of it despite the attempts of adoptive and/or foster parents to intervene. She states several times that love is simply not enough and it is unnecessary to mention it just so many times.
This book gets one thumb up, one thumb down from me. The scant few pages of practical advice that is given is a gem; the overall depressing attitude is unwarranted.
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